Intellectual vs. emotional intelligence: How to boost your emotional IQ
by Dr. Lisandra Mendoza
As millennial women, many of us grew up believing in the importance of intellectual achievements. We knew what was expected of us: get good grades, go to college, earn a degree, get a job… I know this sounds familiar.
When we were growing up, there was a lot of emphasis on our intellectual intelligence — and how well we did in school was often taken as an indicator of how smart we were. But many of us were not taught important life skills such as emotion regulation, conflict management, or even self-awareness. It may have taken years of self-discovery (and therapy) to learn many of the skills you need to thrive in your job and your relationships.
What is emotional intelligence?
Emotional Intelligence (EQ or EI) is a term you may have heard before. It’s the ability to understand and manage your own emotions. EQ also helps you recognize (and even influence) other people’s emotions — allowing you to empathize and also persuade others. EQ is what helps you effectively navigate relationships and conflicts. It allows you to relate to other people and understand what they’re going through.
While intellectual intelligence (IQ) measures your cognitive abilities, EQ focuses on how well you relate to yourself and others.
The power of emotional intelligence
You know that burnout is real and on the rise. For millennial women, emotional intelligence has become a critical tool, not just for survival, but for success. Studies show that EQ is linked to better mental health, more fulfilling relationships, higher job satisfaction, and improved performance at work.
Higher EQ = Better relationships
Whether it’s with your partner, friends, or coworkers, having a high EQ means you can empathize, listen actively, and communicate effectively—all vital skills for maintaining strong connections.
Improved work-life balance
Understanding your emotional triggers can help you set boundaries, manage stress, and avoid burnout. This is especially important as many millennial women juggle work, family, and personal interests.
Higher job satisfaction and improved performance at work
EQ helps you navigate workplace conflicts with empathy and tact, allowing for more constructive problem-solving and collaboration. Leaders with high EQ are more attuned to the needs and emotions of their team, fostering trust, motivation, and engagement.
Self-compassion
When you have a high EQ, you’re more attuned to your inner world. You understand what you’re feeling and why. You give yourself grace and practice self-compassion, knowing you’re doing the best that you can.
Intellectual vs. emotional intelligence
Think of IQ as the engine in a car—your analytical mind, problem-solving abilities, and knowledge base. EQ, on the other hand, is the steering wheel. Without it, you might be full of knowledge but unable to navigate life’s challenges effectively.
What does it mean to be emotionally intelligent?
EQ’s 5 domains
Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer coined the term “emotional intelligence” in 1990. American psychologist Daniel Goleman later popularized it, creating the following framework with 5 domains:
Self-awareness
This is the ability to recognize your own emotions and their effects. It means knowing your strengths and limitations. If you’re self-aware, you possess self-confidence and know your worth and capabilities.
Self-regulation
This is a vital tool which allows you to manage your emotions and impulses. It’s being proactive instead of reactive.
Self-motivation
If you’re self-motivated, you strive toward your goals with a standard of excellence. You’re willing to take initiative, act on opportunities, persistently pursue goals despite setbacks or obstacles.
Social awareness
Possessing social awareness means having empathy, taking an interest in other people’s concerns, feelings, and perspectives.
Social skills
Neurotypical social skills may be difficult to navigate for neurodivergent folks, but generally having social skills means being able to influence others (i.e. through persuasion), communicate clearly, manage conflicts, inspire others, and nurture relationships. When you have good workplace social skills, you can work well with others on shared goals and collaborate on a team.
5 ways to improve your emotional intelligence
While some people may naturally have a higher EQ, the good news is that emotional intelligence is a skill you can build. Here’s how to strengthen your emotional intelligence:
Cultivate self-awareness
Self-awareness is the cornerstone of emotional intelligence. Start by checking in with yourself regularly. Examine your values, passions, and aspirations. Think critically about the environment you’re in, and whether it supports or undermines your well-being. Notice how you feel in certain situations. Rather than focusing on “why” questions, ask yourself “what” questions. For example: “What situations make me feel disempowered?”
Get curious about how other people see you. Think about how your actions impact others. Seek out feedback and opinions, then question whether these are in alignment with who you want to be.
Practice empathy
Being empathetic means understanding a situation from another person’s perspective and feeling the emotions they might be feeling. It doesn’t mean imagining how you would feel if you were in their situation, it means putting yourself in that person’s shoes and feeling what they are feeling. Empathy is powerful and it can be learned.
You can practice empathy by asking questions, examining your biases, and becoming curious about other people’s experiences.
Improve your emotional regulation
Emotional regulation means being able to identify and manage your emotions. We can validate our emotions without letting them control us.
Practice naming your emotions and where you feel them in your body. Notice your triggers. What triggers emotional responses like anger, anxiety, or frustration? Rather than letting them take over your body, practice deep breathing to calm yourself before reacting.
Journaling or mindfulness practices can help you recognize patterns and identify areas for improvement. Deep breathing techniques, mindfulness, and therapy can help you manage difficult emotions like anger or sadness and learn how to emotionally regulate yourself. Like many things, emotional regulation is a skill to be learned — so don’t feel bad if you don’t know how to regulate yourself very well yet!
Enhance Your Social Skills
Generally speaking, active listening, clear (but not always direct) communication, and showing a genuine interest in others are social skills that are widely accepted by neurotypicals.
As a neurodivergent individual, you may encounter challenges with socializing or interacting with neurotypicals. It’s important to remember that your unique needs and communication preferences are valid. To navigate workplace communication effectively, consider collaborating with your manager or human resources (HR) team to identify appropriate accommodations that support your productivity and team integration.
Practice self-compassion
Sometimes, it can feel easier to be kinder to other people. On our quest for improving our emotional intelligence, we may overlook the relationship we have with ourselves. Be patient with yourself and extend yourself kindness, especially if cultivating emotional intelligence is a new thing you’re trying.
Emotional intelligence can be learned!
Avatar Cognitive and Behavioral Center is here to help you harness the power of emotional intelligence
In a world that values high achievers, it’s easy to get caught up in chasing intellectual success. But emotional intelligence is just as critical, if not more so, in leading a fulfilling and balanced life. As women facing unique stressors, from career pressures to relationship challenges, developing a high EQ can be the key to navigating life with confidence, grace, and resilience.
So next time you’re feeling overwhelmed or stuck, remember boosting your emotional intelligence can unlock doors to better mental health, deeper relationships, and a more balanced life. And the best part? It’s a skill you can build, starting today.
