Discover your personal values: Are you being the best version of yourself possible?
by Dr. Lisandra Mendoza
Modern American women hold a complex and diverse set of values, yet some key themes resonate with many. Equality and social justice are often seen as cornerstone values, for example, and you may be among women fighting for equal pay, leadership representation, and dismantling discriminatory practices. Values like individualism and autonomy have inspired many of us to define our own paths in our careers, at home with our families, and in our life choices, free from traditional constraints.
You may be pursuing an ambitious and fulfilling career while also seeking to integrate personal well-being, including friends, family and health, into a meaningful life. Personal values often guide our decision-making, or, when we are out of alignment and not feeling our best, it may be partially due to the fact that we aren’t living out our values.
When you think of your personal values, what comes to mind? Perhaps you are someone who champions diversity and inclusion. Or perhaps you are someone who prioritizes building strong, supportive relationships.
When you’re asked what your values are, does your mind go blank? Don’t panic if you don’t have a running list ready! Take a look at your past behavior and you’ll have a pretty good idea of what’s important to you and what your values are.
If you love volunteering at an animal shelter, for example, you may deeply value compassion. If you’re willing to help a friend move, even if you’re only paid in pizza and high fives, it’s likely you value friendship. Other examples of personal values could include curiosity, fairness, security, or openness.
Personal values (also known as core values) are deeply held beliefs that guide behavior and decision-making
Think of them as a compass — they guide how you uniquely move through the world and reflect what’s most important to you
Your values may be quite different from your best friend’s, a parent’s, or your neighbor’s! They are part of what makes you uniquely you and can also be deeply influenced by your culture and upbringing.
Why are personal values important?
Living in alignment with your personal values has several benefits for both your mental and physical health:
Sense of purpose
Knowing and living by your values can give you a sense of direction and purpose. When you live by your top 5 personal values, you will likely think intentionally about how you spend your time and feel in alignment with your most authentic self.
Emotional well-being
Making value-aligned decisions is linked to lower levels of depression and anxiety. When you aren’t living in alignment with your values, you may feel like you’re at odds with yourself.
Resilience
Personal values provide a stable foundation to stand upon when you’re faced with life’s challenges. Values help you stay grounded so you can navigate difficulties with inner strength and self-compassion.
Improved relationships
Understanding your values can improve your relationship with yourself because value-aligned living encourages authenticity. Knowing your values can also lead you to other individuals whose values are similar (or different) from yours and encourage deep, meaningful connections.
Personal values are not static
Your personal values may change over your lifetime, depending on what season of life you’re in or what experiences you have and how you move through the world. When you’re early on in your career, for example, you may seek a job that fulfills the values of status and financial security because you want to make a name for yourself. Once you’re a more seasoned professional, your top 5 values may shift, leading you to seek work that you find more meaningful, creative, or balanced.
Context is important when considering your personal values and how you pursue them.
Your values are for you, not other people
When you live by your personal values, you don’t feel like you “have to” or you “should” do something. You’re not making decisions based on what others think. You just live your life for you, with no apologies.
This study found that individuals with mental health disorders valued power, achievement, and conformity/tradition more than the general population, but valued hedonism (the pursuit of pleasure) lower than the general population. The study explains, “In the context of mental disorders, a high prioritization of achievement might express self-protective motives, leading to dysfunctional behavior. For instance, depression was related to dysfunctional types of perfectionism and inadequate high goal setting.”
At the end of the day, you only get one life to live! So rather than living to please others, try living to make yourself proud.
Values and goals are different
You don’t “reach” or “arrive” at your values the way that you reach a goal. Goals can be checked off, while values are principles that guide the way you live your life. Your goals and accomplishments may reflect your values… but they aren’t the same thing.
What if I don’t know what my personal values are?
It’s normal to question your values, especially if you’re a young adult or you’re going through a major life change. Identifying your personal values requires introspection and self-awareness. Here are some steps to help you uncover what truly matters to you:
Core values exercise
Reflect on your life experiences
Think about moments when you felt truly happy, fulfilled, and/or proud. What values were you honoring in those moments?
Examine your choices
Look at your past decisions and actions. What underlying values influenced those choices?
Consider your role models
Is there anyone in your life you admire? Reflect on the values they embody and why those values resonate with you.
Use value lists
There are many lists of values available online. Review these lists and highlight the core values that resonate with you. Try selecting 5 personal values to start with.
Here are some examples of personal values you might strive to live by:
Autonomy
Community
Compassion
Curiosity
Empathy
Growth
Honesty
Humor
Inclusivity
Justice
Kindness
Leadership
Optimism
Service
Wealth
Ask yourself these 3 questions:
What are my non-negotiables?
What actions are in alignment with my values?
What actions are not?
When reflecting on your personal values, it’s crucial to identify your non-negotiables. These core principles guide your decisions and actions, ensuring you live authentically. For instance, if autonomy is one of your non-negotiable values, consider what behaviors support this principle. Actions such as setting boundaries, making independent choices, and advocating for yourself align with the value of autonomy. Conversely, allowing others to make decisions for you or compromising your independence does not. By clearly defining and honoring your non-negotiables, you can navigate life with integrity and self-respect.
Live by your personal values
First, do the core values exercise to determine what your top 5 personal values are. Once you have identified your personal values it’s time to start integrating them into your life! Here are some strategies to help you live by your values:
Set value-based goals
Create specific goals for yourself that align with the values you identified in the core values exercise. For example, if health is a core value, set goals related to exercise, nutrition, and self-care.
Make conscious choices
Before making decisions, consider whether they align with your values. Refer back to the core values exercise if you need to. Reflecting often helps ensure that your actions are consistent with what truly matters to you.
Reflect regularly
Take time to reflect on your actions and decisions regularly. Are you living in alignment with your values? If not, what changes can you make to realign?
Practice self-compassion
Living by your values is a continuous journey. Be kind to yourself when you falter and use setbacks as opportunities to learn and grow.
Begin living by your values today!
At Avatar Cognitive and Behavioral Center, we know how unfulfilling and disappointing it can feel to live outside your values. That’s why our team of qualified psychologists and therapists is here to support you on your unique journey
“A value is a way of being or believing that we hold most important. Living into our values means that we do more than profess our values, we practice them. We walk our talk — we are clear about what we believe and hold important, and we take care that our intentions, words, thoughts, and behaviors align with those beliefs.”
